August 2023

Recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous affects people in many way. The first and most obvious I their ability to abstain from the use of alcohol for without that that there can be no recovery. Next is the willingness to abandon the idea that they can do this on their own and to seek the help of something outside of their own failed way of thinking. Third is the act of surrendering and ‘buying in’ completely (so to speak). At this point, the recovery process may differ depending on your age, gender, economic situation, marital status, legal woes, and other side issues. It is not our role to judge anyone who comes to AA seeking help nor is it our job to bail them out of their current situation out of sympathy. That does not mean that we cannot buy a meal for a hungry soul or give them a few bucks for ga. We are recovering alcoholics and our role is to listen and to try to understand what they need from us consistent with the principles we have learned and relate our experiences with them.

Younger arrival usually are duel addicted and the average long0term alcoholic that has not experienced the drug culture life- style may have a difficult time identifying with them. Recovered addicts usually share about their ‘rip off’ mentality as a user, while the average common variety alcoholic talks about guilt and shame and the need to pay their bar tab. A High percentage of our membership arrive in their forties in the middle of, or on the cusp of the threat of a divorce, and without experienced feedback, make bad decisions where, in some cases, they could have salvaged their marriage and saved the children the damage caused by divorce.

My main question when greeting a newcomer at a meeting is usually “What brings you to AA?: Usually their response comes in the form of a complaint about the situation they are in: divorce papers, DUI, fired from job, etc. My next question is “IF THAT HADN’T HAPPENED, WOULD YOU BE HERE TODAY?” Their response is usually M”Probably not.” I thin explain that my first wife could have filed for divorce ten times before she because desperate enough to do it, and had she not, I would still be out there circle the drain or worse. For two years, I tried to convince her to take me back, but it did not happen. Desperation brought me to the door of AA where I began the life I live today. This type of perspective usually gets their attention and they often turn out to be more accepting of the need to change.

Next, I will share the experience that worked on me. It may come in a sincere statement such as, “I know that I have been wrong about what a husband’s/father’s responsibility are, I am an alcoholic, and I believe that I’ve found the solution to y drinking problem. You have suffered from all this, and I have learned greatly for the mistakes I have made, and I intend to do my best to make it right. Whatever the outcome is, I want to minimize the trauma to the children as we move forward.” This type of sincerity sometimes takes the pressure off and gives her some breathing room and in some cases, it opens the door to salvaging the marriage. “My next question is, “Can you live up to these proposed actions?” Then I pause and wait for this simplicity to settle in.”

Another area where sincerity and ownership of past mistakes has an unexpected out come is in the courtroom. Judges have heard every flimsy excuse in the world and can see right through all the BS of a con artist, and they are not fooled by them. Believe me when I say that I have witnessed more than my share of these two approaches to resolving the damages of alcoholic behavior, and the sincere approach far outweighs the con job, most of the time, and you cannot fake sincerity.

-Rick R., Akron

This excerpt is from 12 Stupid Things That Mess Up Recovery by Allen Berger. It has been edited for brevity.

Anyone who has spent time in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or other Twelve Step–based recovery programs–realizes–that self-centeredness and self-will run riot and are viewed as the root cause of addiction. Many Twelve Steppers interpret this as meaning that concern with personal needs is “bad.” There seems to be no room for self with the–capital S or lowercase s in recovery. They think self in any shape or form is a demon that needs to be exorcised. The myth perpetuated by this notion is that becoming “selfless” is the primary goal in recovery.

While it’s important for us to put “self” into a healthier perspective, we also need to learn how to take better care of ourselves. Many of us become self-centered because we don’t know how to take care of ourselves emotionally, spiritually, or inter-personally. We are ignorant of how to stay centered in relationships and soothe ourselves when anxious, disappointed, or concerned.

Our personal level of suffering is related to the degree of alienation from our true self. Another way of saying the same thing is that our level of “dis-ease” is related to how fragmented or disconnected we are–how cut off we are–from our true self.

Recovery is a salvage operation. We are actually recovering our lost self: disowned and fragmented parts of our being. In order to become whole, we need to integrate all aspects of our self.

Another way to describe the process of recovery is to think about it as recovering our emotional and spiritual development. Most of us were developmentally arrested at a pretty early age because of our addiction. Recovery helps us reclaim and integrate the les- sons we never completed.

Let’s discuss a specific issue that we all have to face. There are two powerful forces within us that are usually in conflict: our desire to please and our individuality. We become selfish or we become people pleasers. Often, we don’t know how to honor both of these desires simultaneously.

Let’s discuss the nature of these two forces. First is our desire to please and cooperate. We all have a desire to please those who are important to us, to cooperate with them, and to join or unite with them. We are social animals and we thrive in union. Recent sur- veys of the medical and sociological literature have demonstrated the importance of love for survival. If we are in a loving relation- ship, we live longer, recover faster and better from physical illnesses, commit fewer crimes, and make a better living.

The second force in our life is our desire to follow our own song, to pursue our individuality, and to seek personal mastery. This force is also necessary for our survival, as it moves us to become the best person we can be. This is a growth force that moves us forward in our development and maturity. For most of us, the desire to please and individuality are forces in conflict throughout our life and throughout our intimate relationships. We do not know how to please without losing ourselves; we do not know how to stay connected to our parents or a partner without losing our individuality; or we do not know how to cooperate with our par- ents or a partner while staying centered. What we do is fall out of one side of the bed or the other. We try to please and cooperate by submitting to our parents’ or our partner’s will, or we try to control them and get them to submit to our demands. We may distance ourselves, run away, detach, split, disconnect, and/or become emotionally withdrawn, building a stone wall. When we fail to integrate our desire to please and our individuality, we are not acting out of integrity. When we are not centered, we react and let the pull of our emotional fusion to our parents or our partner control our response, regardless of whether we are trying to please or detach.

When we emotionally withdraw, it is hard for us to recognize that we are being controlled by an emotional connection. We think we are acting independently. Independence is not individuality. When we pull away because of our emotional dependency, we are in fact being controlled by these feelings. The emotional dependency is forcing us to withdraw.

This is what I believe happens when a person is being selfish. When we use independence to deal with emotional dependency, we are being selfish. We think we are honoring our individuality, but we are not. This is pseudo-independence. It is not an inde- pendence grounded in individuality. It is a reaction to the pull of our emotional dependency. Few of us want to be controlled, and we go to any lengths to avoid it. We just don’t realize that what is happening within us makes us feel¿controlled. Instead we externalize the blame, which keeps us ignorant of the real problem. The real problem is our emotional dependency on others and how we are controlled by this dependency, by this self-imposed pressure. Selfishness is pseudo-independence intended to neu- tralize emotional dependency. The drive toward self-realization–integrating apparently conflicting aspects of ourselves–is so deep and powerful that when ignored, it lets us know by causing us serious emotional, physical, or spiritual problems.

To achieve real emotional maturity, we need to honor everything that is important to us, and this includes our desire to cooper- ate and our need to be ourselves. When we consciously balance these two forces, we are functioning with integrity and whole- ness. We self-actualize. We strive for balance and we strive to stay centered when facing conflicts. We strive to honor our own personal desires and the personal desires of our partner. When conflict occurs, as it inevitably will, we maintain our connection. We don’t submit to them, try to control them, or run away emotionally or physically. This healthy tension creates real maturity and is one of the life lessons we missed. My mentor Dr. Walter Kempler used to refer to this process as “all hands on deck.”Confusing selfishness with self-concern cuts the legs out from under us. The confusion becomes self-defeating and self- destructive. It prevents us from acting on our own behalf, lest we be selfish. Self-concern is not selfishness! When we honor our- selves, our existence, our life, we are not being selfish. Learning to honor and care for ourselves is a hallmark of recovery .

When we honor ourselves, we strive to function with integrity and honor all of our personal desires. We strive to please others and honor our feelings simultaneously. We strive to assert ourselves appropriately, but not at anyone’s expense. We strive to stay balanced and take responsibility for our feelings and personal desires rather than manipulate and maneuver others to take care of us and make us feel all right. We seek to be of value without losing ourselves in the process. When we take care of ourselves, we learn to stand on our own two feet. The result of these efforts is peace of mind and serenity, what Bill Wilson referred to as “emotional sobriety.” This, too, is possible in our life if we strive to remain conscious and work our program. There are many long-timers who have trudged this road and are more than honored to help us along the way.

Learn more from Dr. Berger by reading 12 Stupid Things That Mess Up Recovery.

The sad thing is – “If I tell myself something long enough, I’ll actually believe it.” That, unfortunately was my story. Selfish self- centeredness was the root of my troubles and delusion is my trump card. When all else failed, I just pretended that either I did- n’t recognize the problem or it was no big deal. Again, unfortunately, that no big deal thing has become a family tradition. This morning’s meeting was about alcoholism being a family disease. The ability to avoid looking at reality was my take-away.

At breakfast, after this morning’s meeting, we were discussing the meeting topic. I shared with another alcoholic how upset I was when I learned that my wife had decided to go to alanon. Why was I upset? Mainly it was a sub-conscious, fear driven reac- tion since – if she got better (mentally and spiritually}, then I would be forced to look at my actions.

This is only one minor example of how everything in my life was centered around me. It didn’t matter if we were discussing day to day activities or annual vacations, it was always “Is Mick going to be okay with this?” I think the thing that my wife now shares with me is that life around an alcoholic (ME} was always like “walking on egg-shells.” If you would have told me this when I was still out there, I would have said “Sure, I deserve that kind of special treatment.” But today, I know how sick that statement real- ly is and hopefully can make on-going living amends to those I have hurt.

I pray daily that God will take away my need to be right and my thoughts about me. I do this by making a mental list of all those people in my life and one by one ask myself “What should I try and do for this person today?” Most times it’s nothing more than pray for them but sometimes it turns into an actionable list. If I’m able to help someone that day, I thank my God at night for that opportunity and ask if I need to do any follow-up. God centered is so much better than Mick centered.

• Mick S

Most people don’t dive off the banks of the deep end with perfect form like Becky Ruehl and swim as strong as Joe Hudepohl did in the 1996 Olympics. Most people start in pools where there is minimal risk of danger and where there are ‘steps’ to safely enter and exit the calm sterile waters. To paraphrase my friend Barry L. who would ask “why would anyone swim anywhere but the pool, let alone the ocean where I can be eaten by sharks and swallowed up by riptides and tidal waves?”

“Life! There is life in the ocean!”

The rooms of AA are like the pools we train in and the steps provide us a way to safely navigate our way in and out. But life is like an ocean, full of uncharted depths, danger and mystery.

At 2 years sober this alcoholic found himself chest deep in the ocean of life with the tide rising and panic setting in. The lifeguard on duty (my sponsor) called out for me to remember the training and apply the steps like we did in the “pool”. When I ceased fighting the currents, I accepted things as they were and not how I perceived them. The same fear that nearly caused me to drown from panic and despair was now a powerful force that could be put to good use. By applying the principles of the steps (taught to me in the pool), a power greater than myself was able to guide me into depths of the ocean I never knew existed.

Now I am the lifeguard on duty for guys like me that have come out of the fog to find themselves chest deep in the ocean, having never learned how to swim.

-Andrew M.

When I think back to my drunken escapades I now realize just how much God was looking over me. Whether it was in a blackout driving a car or motorcycle, stumbling through the streets of Las Vegas or simply not killing myself on a flight of steps, my Higher Power was always there.

To have survived all of my stupidity I should be forever thankful. In addition to being thankful I think we should also pay it forward. Lucky for us AA’s there are many opportunities to pay it forward both within our program and outside.

Reflecting back to my days prior to recovery the description I can describe myself is self-centered. I deserved to get drunk. I deserve to spend my family’s money being “big man” at the bars buying drinks for strangers and people I didn’t like. The drunken football games and fishing trips that were justified as a time out.

And I was paid back with those actions. With empty wallets, days long hangovers, remorse and upset family. The worst pay- back of all was the deer in the headlights look I’d give myself in the mirror the next day. How in the hell did that happen? I didn’t intend to get that drunk. Just what did I do in that blackout that pissed my wife off that bad? Where did all of these bruises come from? Why did I get arrested?

Gratitude to me is being able go for a run and then watch a Bengals win on TV. Then I had dinner with my grandsons. Soak- ing in the laughter of children and a beautiful sunset. Coming home and texting one friend in the program and talking to an- other. Watching a zombie show with my wife and making fun of the characters. Being able to stay up late and watching yet another football game. None of these events would be possible with the addition of alcohol.

So if you really want to piss off your alcoholism do something nice for someone. Call or text a friend either in or out of the program. Volunteer to do something for your home group. And don’t forget to get on your knees to give thanks that you’re not the same self-centered person you once were!

-Tim L

How hard is it to make a list of all the things others do that irritate me? The crazy way people drive; getting behind someone in line who’s so slow; the coworker’s frequent mistakes and bad work ethic; the person who always talks too long in my home group; a relative who never said thanks for a gift I sent; my spouse’s irritability and nagging; getting stuck with all the work on a project because others bailed out; being made fun of when I make a mistake.

“We alcoholics are sensitive people.” (BB/, p. 125) I want special treatment and love all the time. It’s embarrassing to realize how easily I get offended and hurt when I make my- self the center of the universe. Tough to admit I’m so thin-skinned. “I’m not much, but I’m all I think about!”

The Book tells me that the only way out of selfishness and self centeredness is to have a Higher Power (pp. 62-63). That can be a personal God; the AA group or a sponsor; a set of principles for sane living. I can’t fix myself by myself. I must admit that “someone else might have a better idea.” I have no more control over my own ego than I do over my compulsion to drink.

Once I open the door to Something or Someone bigger than me, I begin getting the “grace” to think about others and to serve their needs, not just my own. “Ask him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man or woman who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order.” (p. 164)

Do I have a Higher Power that can “do for me what I can’t do for myself?” Have I honestly searched today, with the help of God or another alcoholic, to see honestly where I’ve been “just thinking of myself,” and to figure out how to get out of myself and help someone else? “It is a design for living that works in rough going.” (p.15)

-Kevin P.