April 2023

AA teaches us not to “let someone live rent-free in our head.” Resentments will kill us – or drive us to drink. As one friend put it, a resentment is “like a rusty nail in my soul.”

I must look at my part, how I am contributing to the problem. I must “pause when agitated” and practice “restraint of tongue and pen.” I’m not a victim. I can’t blame my parents, boss, or partner for all my unhappiness.

In close relationships, however, conflict is inevitable. Do I deal with it by throwing a temper tantrum? Or do I just “sweep the issue under the carpet?” When is the time to face a problem directly and how do I do it like a grown-up member of Alcoholics Anonymous?

Before I say something to the person I’m angry at, it helps to ask myself honestly: “Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?” Should I “pick my battles?” How important is it anyway?

Is my goal just to “get my feelings out” and “speak my truth?” I call this “vomit thera- py” – it makes me feel better, but it leaves a mess.

In AA, we try to live in the solution, not the problem. Maybe I need first to let the person know I respect them and am trying to understand their behavior or their feelings. Would doing inventory on myself be a smart idea before I tackle a “difficult conversation?” “ We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God’s people we stand on our feet; we don’t crawl before anyone. ” (BB, p. 83)

Boundaries are legitimate; but boundaries can’t be reduced to saying, “Screw you!” I did not know how to compromise or problem-solve when I was actively drinking. I didn’t understand what a genuine partnership was all about. Sobriety helps me to face conflicts in a constructive way. I’ll never like everybody, but I can get better at knowing what I should simply “let go” and what I need to “change” – in myself or in a relationship.

It’s almost funny now to think about how many times and how many ways I could/would shift the blame for anything and everything to someone or something else. That false sense of superiority about myself always allowed me to be able to blame the world and not myself. It became a habit that was hard to recognize and harder to break. The worst part is the ease with which I could lie to myself.

I have gone through 2 iterations of Steps 4 & 5. The first time through I was still in so much denial that I could just barely see my part. Unfortunately, I could still justify my actions. Yes, I was wrong, but.. It took another, deeper look at my past to open my eyes and truly look at the fourth column.

That was difficult, but the real challenge is to be able to continue to look at my thoughts and actions and recognize that in a small way I am still partially blaming others when they just have a different view of things.

Example: Someone cuts me off in traffic. I get upset feeling that I’m going fast enough and that person is threatening my driving skills or ability. Reality: That person is in a hurry and has no thoughts what so ever about me personally.

Example: My wife leaves dirty dishes on top of the dishwasher. I get upset feeling that this requires 2 separate actions instead of 1. First to bring dirty dishes and place on top of the dishwasher and second to return and place same dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Reality: I must accept that it’s not wrong to accomplish her way, just different. There can be 2 right ways to accomplish a task. What a novel idea!

There are so many things that occur each and every day that I find “somewhat” unacceptable. I must accept and love all of God’s children exactly where they are and not judge them. They (as I) are doing the best they can at that mo- ment. Just because I would do it differently does not make me right and them wrong.

One of our members (Tony D) passes out stickers that say IT’S NOT THEM. I put one of these stickers in my house where I can see it everyday. This helps for awhile.

PS: My wife thinks I should glue a sticker to the inside of my glasses facing my eye. Interesting theory.

Throughout the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill W. made a number of construction references which eventually lead to the building of an archway. The archway to freedom is complete after finishing the fifth step.

The Bedrock: We perceive that only through utter defeat are we able to take our first steps toward liberation and strength. Our admissions of personal powerlessness finally turn out to be firm bedrock upon which happy and purposeful lives may be built. (Twelve & Twelve, 21:3)

The Foundation: It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more way required of me to make my beginning. I saw that growth could start from that point. Upon a foun- dation of complete willingness I might build what I saw in my friend. Would I have it? Of course I would! (BB 12:4)

The Cement: The feeling of having shared in a common peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us. But that in itself would never have held us together as we are now joined.The tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common solution. We have a way out on which we can absolute- ly agree, and upon which we can join in brotherly and harmonious action. This is the great news this book carries to those who suffer from alcoholism. (BB 17:2, 17:3)

The Cornerstone: We needed to ask ourselves but one short question. Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself?” As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way. It has been repeatedly proven among us that upon this simple cornerstone a wonderfully effective spiritual structure can be built.(BB 47:2)

The Keystone: This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn’t work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are his agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.(BB 62:3)

The Foundation Stone: Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery. A kindly act once in a while isn’t enough. You have to act the Good Samaritan every day, if need be. (BB 97:1)

The Path to Freedom: Taking this book down from our shelf we turn to the page which contains the twelve steps. Carefully reading the first five proposals we ask if we have omitted anything, for we are building an arch through which we shall walk a free man at last. Is our work solid so far? Are the stones properly in place? Have we skimped on the cement put into the foundation? Have we tried to make mortar without sand? (BB 75:3)

These are the words I heard at my DUI bootcamp. It was in the late 80’s and I got the DUI from a nice officer from Green Township. The equally nice judge gave me a 3 day vacation at a resort known as Drake hospital along with another 50 or so other offenders.

Included at this resort was alcohol education classes. Being the extremely intelligent super brain that I was, I took the earlier mentioned shoe and stuffed it in my ear. What a gift it would have been if I had gotten sober then as opposed to the 20 years later. But I wasn’t ready and had to do some more research.

My research took me to many bars, some somewhat upscale and some disease ridden. They were located in several coun- tries and included a good cross section of society. They could have a dress code or smell like the elephant house at the zoo. The one thing they had in common was they provided me with the potion that allowed me to escape from reality.

During my research, which by the way cost me thousands of dollars, I knew something wasn’t right with my control of drinking. Hell, there wasn’t any control. Why could some people have just a couple of drinks and stop when I could- n’t? Why was I blacking out and not remembering the night before and where my car was? And why were bad things happening to me during and after drinking and almost never happened when I wasn’t? I know what to do. Let’s blame something or someone else!

So off I’d go to a counselor. It’s probably my wife’s fault! Maybe if she’d drink with me I wouldn’t drink so much. Or maybe it was my upbringing. Everyone drank in my family. I’ll blame them too. Oh yea, and what about the coworkers? Ex-wife? Stress? Global warming? You get the idea.

Why don’t I outsmart it? Reading tons of books. Remember the one on controlling ones drinking? That was a good one. Or maybe one of the tapes that for $29.95 this dude will tell you how he controlled his drinking. Or maybe studying how alcohol physically works on your body to deliver the buzz?

After all this research I came to one conclusion. Attention Dumbass! You are an Alcoholic! Your friends are alcoholics. Your family is full of alcoholics you are one too! And the sooner you accept it and get off your fat ass to do something about it you will continue to suffer the consequences. So what will it be Einstein?

Humility is a tough subject for me. I’ve read that it means accepting reality- for God didn’t make us perfect. It’s up to us to accept what we are, warts and all.

And as a great philosopher named Popeye once said, I yam what I yam.